you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I stole a fireplace last night.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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