fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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