i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
