I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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