dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
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I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
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You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.