she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
