remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
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