she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
