Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
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Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
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He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
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