I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
