one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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