We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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