maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
