watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
