i already hear my dad disowning me
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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