If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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