He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
This can only be settled by a dance off.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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