Even the bartender felt bad for me
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
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Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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