i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
