paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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