I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
