Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
