I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
