drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
