No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
