I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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