You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
