Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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