I met the friendliest cop last night
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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