Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
