I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
