i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
