Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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