I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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