Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
