All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
