bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize