i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
