Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
