Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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