the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
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