mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
