some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
