I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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