On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
