i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
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Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
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Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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