4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
