So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
These tits shall not be calmed
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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