My nipple is on Facebook.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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