I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
