I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
