Small penises have feelings too.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
