Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
