I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
even my farts smell like vagina
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
