I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
