I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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