I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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